Rambling on my mind

Almost a year since my last post

steersbylitning — Sun, 05 Dec 2010 23:04:37 +0000

I can’t believe this year has almost gone already. It’s been a pretty good one for us, except that I just found out I have obstructive sleep apnea (explains why I’m always tired in the afternoons — I’m not getting good sleep). There are a lot worse diagnoses to have, and there *is* treatment, but the one that apparently works the best involves wearing a mask that forces air to keep the airway open while you sleep. From what I can tell, it’s very hard for most people to get used to this. Although there are other options, they are not so great either. There’s surgery, which supposedly is very painful and doesn’t work for everyone, and there’s a dental appliance which doesn’t work well with people who have TMJ (temporomandibular jaw syndrome), which I apparently have. Then, there’s doing nothing. Obstructive sleep apnea means higher risk of stroke and cardiovascular disease. I already have a higher than average risk of both, so I should take it seriously. Waiting to see the dentist and ENT doc before making a final decision about what to do.

Still, to put things in perspective, a friend of mine found out a few months ago he has pancreatic cancer. He’s bravely fighting, but this is one battle that most people don’t win. Keeping fingers, toes and paws crossed for him.

Sliding down the slope

steersbylitning — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 02:30:32 +0000

I look at my face in the mirror. Sometimes I like what I see; sometimes I don’t.

Sometimes it depends on whether I’m wearing my glasses or not.

Some days I look my age; some days, I see the younger me.

My wrinkles disappear when I smile, so I smile a lot.

November come she will

steersbylitning — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 23:26:49 +0000

Haven’t written in a while. Life is fairly stable at the moment. Just had a great weekend with friends I don’t see very often, and I ‘m taking this week off. Good to take a break from routine.

But, on the other hand…

steersbylitning — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 01:31:47 +0000

My daughter has informed me that she and her long-time boyfriend have been discussing marriage! First, however, they have to try living together, so a marriage is probably a couple of years away. However, getting to the marriage discussion is HUGE. He’s had major problems with commitment during the relationship, but realizes she’s the best thing that ever happened to him, and wants her in his life (they’ve broken up several times already, but keep coming back to each other). I know they do love each other, and I really want this to work out. Fingers, toes and paws (canine and feline!) crossed!

Feeling disgruntled

steersbylitning — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 01:28:53 +0000

Too many people I know having medical problems lately. Work colleague and friend’s sister just diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer.

Another very close friend had a botched breast biopsy which probably wasn’t even necessary, given that the thing the doctor was trying to biopsy had been present for many years. However, it was a new doctor, and the latest mammogram report didn’t show anything there (did someone screw up writing the report, I wonder). In any case, the biopsy needle went through a blood vessel and caused a HUGE hematoma (bruise) in the breast, since the blood had nowhere to go. The biopsy could not be completed, either. What a waste of time and money!

My brother spent three weeks in the hospital after emergency bilateral inguinal hernia surgery. He’s home and starting to improve, but still doesn’t have much stamina and his gut’s not behaving the way it should.

Sigh…

Oops, she did it again

steersbylitning — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 00:39:15 +0000

I love my daughter most dearly, but the continuous problems she has with money management drive me INSANE!

She’s about to turn 30, and she is still getting into financial difficulties, which require her to beg me for a loan. The latest such event occurred a couple of days ago. I’ll spare everyone the details, but suffice it to say that I gave her the money yet again. Shame on me!

I told her a while ago that the Bank of Mom and Dad would be closing on her 30th birthday, and I mean to stick to this resolution, no matter how painful it is for both of us. Dear sweet girl, if you read this, I am not trying to shame you, but telling you in no uncertain terms that you must now be totally responsible for your own mistakes in this regard.

October 1, a day that I always remember

steersbylitning — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 12:01:05 +0000

October 1 was my beloved mother’s birthday. She would have been 90 years old today.

The pain of her death has receded, but the longing for her presence remains. I think of her frequently, particularly around this time of the year. Not only is today the anniversary of her birth, but we are in the midst of the Jewish high holidays, and that is also the time of year that she died. I’ll never forget her saying to me, the last time I saw her, “I forgive everyone.”

Perhaps that was only because she knew her death was imminent, and she wanted to clear her conscience, but I think she was quite aware that the High Holidays were coming, and that is one thing religious Jews do at that time of year. They make amends for sins committed during the year, and start fresh.

Life otherwise is very good for me. I have been at my job here in Asheville for almost exactly four years, and I love living here more than I could ever have imagined. There is something that ties me here to this part of the country in an almost mystical way. I actually feel sadness when I have to leave the area. I never had that sort of relationship with the place in which I lived before, although I remember that the first time I went back to DC after we moved here, I saw it through fresh eyes and had some bittersweet feelings about not being there. Those feeling have been moderated by the sheer unpleasantness of being in such a crowded place. Each time we go back, I dislike it more. I wouldn’t go back at all if it weren’t for our family who are there, and who are important to us.

Another reminder of my mother on her birthday, Oct. 1

steersbylitning — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 00:56:52 +0000

A whole year has gone around since the last time I talked about the anniversary of my mother’s birth.

She would have been 89 years old today.

How can nine years have gone by since she died, I ask you?

Ten years of not being able to talk to her, except in my mind.

Ten years of remembering her every time I see a rose, eat brisket, read about lung disease or atrial fibrillation in the elderly.

Ten years of wishing I could ask her a zillion questions about her life, her family, what to do about this or that.

Wondering what she would have been like at 90.

It’s almost certain that if she was still alive, I wouldn’t be here in North Carolina, because I wouldn’t have wanted to leave her.

Mom, wherever you are, know that you are still very close to the surface of my consciousness. I miss you…and Dad too.

I understand you both better the older I get.

A new house!

steersbylitning — Sat, 02 Dec 2006 21:36:44 +0000

No, we haven’t moved from the old house, but our guest house, which started construction back in July, is finally a reality! I will try to upload a photo, just to give you an idea of what we have wrought (or at least, have paid to have wrought)!

It is a beautiful little gem of a house, set in the woods. You can only see the mountains when the leaves are down for the winter, as they are now, otherwise, it’s very different from the main house. There are two bedrooms, but three places where people can sleep, since we put futons in the two bedrooms and the great room (which is fairly small, but gets to be called a great room because it does have a cathedral ceiling).

The design is fairly unusual, because the house started life as a three-car garage. It evolved over time to become the house that it is today. First, we thought we’d put a studio apartment over the garage. Then it was a one-bedroom house. It became a two-bedroom house when our community association reminded us that there was a certain minimum square footage required.

Jeff and I slept in the house the night after Thanksgiving, in front of a crackling fire in the fireplace. Sounds romantic, but the reality is that the flickering light actually made it hard for me to get to sleep.

October 1, a day of remembrance for me

steersbylitning — Sun, 01 Oct 2006 14:04:40 +0000

Today would have been my mother’s 88th birthday. Eight years after her death, I still miss her very much. I often think of her as I go about my daily business. It’s usually when something that reminds me of her — music and food are the most powerful triggers — is present, but not always. I wish she could have seen where we live now. I think she would have really loved how beautiful it is. It has occurred to me, though, that if she was still alive, I probably would not have chosen to leave the DC metro area if she was still there. So maybe her death actually freed me to come here.

Nevertheless, I need to acknowledge her on the day that would have been her birthday. I wish I could be giving her a birthday hug and eating marble cake with her today.

Those of you with parents still alive, please love them while you’ve got them, and make sure they know how you feel.